Men In The Habit
by Solita
Summary: They were meant to go to Heaven... but not without doing a deed of “service.” A Cowboy Bebop / Gundam Wing / Trigun crossover. (First part up : Title • F*** Armageddon… This Is Hell!)
1. Three Angels

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
Heaven is my sanctuary.  
  
That's what I thought when I was alive.  
  
Now that I'm dead... it is a different story all together.  
  
At first, when a person dies, they lose all the pain they have. After losing their last breath, they lose all sense with reality. It's a dream, soaring through the sky, head up towards a bright light, and welcome home, you are in Heaven. Sometimes a person goes through the opposite, gaining torture and agony and welcome home, you are in Hell. There are other options in the afterlife, but I don't feel like elaborating on them currently.  
  
The afterlife is screwy. Very, _very_ screwy. I for one didn't know the demented side of all his happiness, golden light, and smiling faces. It's just a facade, a chimera. Heaven is... Hell. It is a reverse of the Underworld, yes. However, it is in the sense of scenery. While Hell has darkness and fire, Heaven has light and clouds. Hell allows drugs and rock 'n roll (why do you think Lucifer calls his "town" Sin City? AC/DC anyone?). Heaven bans drugs and allows only classical music (trust me, you'll want to kill Tchaikovsky and Mozart). Hell allows gambling and free sex. Heaven bans gambling and restricts sex to married couples.   
  
You heard right. When you are married to someone, you are married for life. That also includes the afterlife. All that "ti'll death do us part" crap is only to fool the couple into getting married. Those are just words the priest says. That doesn't mean that in Heaven they keep those words. I think that's why I never got married. I only got shot a million times, slashed across my chest, and went through agony for a couple of hours or so. At least I wasn't married for all eternity.  
  
In life, human beings have a choice. It is either one of the following: eternal torture in Hell or eternal happiness in Heaven. Of course there is Purgatory, and reincarnation, but sooner or later we have to come to the conclusion. Is it Heaven or Hell? Now, common sense tells us to act like a good Christian (or Buddist, or Atheist, or Islamic, or Judist -- whatever religion, Heaven is Heaven) and go to Heaven because it's the greatest place ever created since Disneyland.  
  
Now, excuse my French, but I'm going to be perfectly blunt here.  
  
That, my friends, is a bunch of bullshit.  
  
See, in order to get into Heaven you got to have a good soul. Yes, I know, "No shit, Sherlock." Well, "Keep digging, Watson" is all I have to say to that. Heaven is a bitch to get into. You don't have to be the most faithful and religious person around. That's God's rule. But with everyone else up in Heaven? Oh _hell_ no. Heaven is conformed. Heaven is complete and utter happiness.   
  
Heaven can be summed up in one word.  
  
It's... erm... well... gay.  
  
It's very gay.  
  
Heaven reminds me of the song from that old movie "West Side Story." That song where the girl goes, "I'm so pretty and witty and gay!" Well, that's how everyone acts in Heaven. Absolutely everyone reminds me of that girl in the movie. It's a scary thought, I know. And if you don't believe me, you better. Trust me, once you live around these people for a while, it gets really scary.   
  
Now I wouldn't be "bad - mouthing" Heaven, for lack of a better term, if I wouldn't have been put on such a stupid and worthless assignment. See, two others and I went on this mission in order to get into Heaven. No, we didn't get sent to Purgatory. We were actually in Heaven. However, the main head hancho told us we couldn't get in. Of course we got pissed off (we were so alike, it scares me now), but we couldn't do a damn thing. Thus, we were sent on this mission in order to save all of humanity from total destruction. Not to mention, we had to save our "boss," his job, and his ass.  
  
I have a feeling you probably know what is going to happen. First we get into the story, our heroes are given this conflict, they overcome it, and they live happily ever after. Well, you got the just of the tale and congradulations to you. It's more than that, though. I would give you details, but the story would be ruined. Anticipation is better than understanding. To some people this story is fantastic, to others this story is outrageous, but you have to judge it for yourself.  
  
For me, this story is old, cliched and I am sick of it now. I never want to retell it again, so that's why I'm writing it down to everyone who reads this. Whether you read this on a dare or being completely bored or forced to read it or, hell, maybe it intrigued you, I don't give a damn. This is the story, the mission, the men I worked with, the hell we went through to get into Heaven, and all the troubles, laughter, and great times we had.  
  
Yet, as I write, I still have a question.   
  
It's a question that will always be constant in my mind.  
  
_How_ in the _blue hell_ could they _stand_ those godforsaken hoods?!  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  



	2. Fuck Armageddon… This Is Hell!

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
_Julia..._  
  
The Hallelujah Chorus to Handel's _Messiah_ echoed through his ears, a tune that he recognized instantly. On a cloud that floated in the golden sky was a gigantic orchestra, hastily playing the music in a graceful manner. Not far from that cloud was another one, the only exception was that the orchestra was replaced with an enormous choir. Angels of different sizes and characteristics greeted him, all of them cheerful and smiling.   
  
He smiled back and walked on. This was Heaven. The Heaven that he had longed for ever since he was alive. Now he could walk through the gates and have the peace he wanted. In front of the young man were two gigantic gates, pearly and white, polished in the purest gold imaginable. He was so close to the gates now, the sanctuary he desired. The choir still sang and the orchestra still played. He was glad he was dead. He had no regrets or worries. This was Heaven. This was utter perfection.  
  
He was finally home.  
  
As he walked up the short steps to the gates, he felt that he wasn't walking up the steps all alone as he hoped for. Glancing behind him, two others walked dignified and prepared up the steps, following him to the gates. One was a young sixteen year old boy, with brown hair, and the other was a man around his own age with black hair. He moved his attention back to the gates of his new home. He didn't even bother to gain more details about the men following him. They were probably trying to get home like him. He didn't bother with them. He kept moving on.  
  
He could see through the light. Everyone was waiting for him. His family, his friends... Julia. Even Vicious. Vicious was there, the Vicious he knew before everything went screwy in his life. Julia, with her gorgeous wings and halo that was brighter than the light in Heaven, was smiling with open arms, waiting to take him in and lead him in eternal happiness. He laughed and started to pick up the pace from a slow, legato walk to an allegro pace, lively and jubilant. She laughed too, whispering his name that echoed off the walls of his new home. He knew how that being dead was the greatest thing ever.  
  
He was close, so close to touching her. It was as if time itself slowed down, a Hollywood cliched moment. With every step he took, another block of weight was added to his run. He didn't care, though. He would eventually get through those gates and run into his lover and soulmate's arms. The light was warm, the sound of laughter still echoed, and he was absolutely in bliss and happiness.  
  
_Julia... !_  
  
Inches away from salvation, he echoed her name, a name that meant everything to him.  
  
And then, without any warning whatsoever...  
  
The gates of Heaven shut on him.  
  
He stood in front of the closed gates that shut on him like someone pushed a button and they automatically closed on him. Mouth wide open, eyes big as saucers, body slumped down into a heap of shock -- he was not expecting _this_ at all. A small voice of his shock emitted, which sounded more like a squeak than a shout.   
  
The Heaven Spike Spiegel wanted... was gone.  
  
He seriously felt like crying, but knew that wouldn't do him any good.  
  
_Julia... ?_  
  
Spike heard shouts behind him, knowing it had to be from the men that trailed behind him as he walked up to the pearly gates that seemed so welcoming and wonderful beforehand. They ran up and began staring at the gates that were closed now. The black haired man with, what he could see, ice blue eyes and a faint touch of a beard began to sneer and scream madly. On his other side the chocolate brown haired boy with prussian blue eyes glared diligently.  
  
"What the hell is THIS?!" the man with the black hair shouted, his fists in the air. He began pounding on the gates, the light of Heaven fading away from the doors and the shine of gold it had becoming a rusty silver.  
  
The young boy next to him growled and glared at the gates, as if he was going to melt it down by staring alone. He reached into the back-pocket of his jeans, only to find out the object he cherished was not there. A small shock waved over his face, wondering why his weapon wasn't there anymore.  
  
"Where's the manager?! I demand to see the manager!" the black - haired man shouted again, turning around and shouting at all the angels that still smiled like a bunch of robots. His sneer grew as he shouted at them again, "Well?! Let me see God, dammit!"  
  
They didn't respond back. They merely smiled. The black - haired man let go of a frustrated sigh. He reached into his inside pocket, expecting to find a cigarette. However, like the brown - haired boy, he found nothing. Shock expanded across his face as he searched through almost all the pockets he had.  
  
"I don't have my cigarettes!" he exclaimed, grasping his hair tightly in bewilderment.   
  
The brown - haired sixteen year old growled and ran a hand through is hair. "My gun is gone." He felt like shooting something right about now.  
  
"Julia." It was the only thing the young man with the green afro - like hair whispered, slumping down the ground in disbelief. He lost it all. He lost his new home and everything that came with it. He lost Julia. Again.   
  
A determined look overcame his shocked eyes, standing up quickly and placing his hand inside his coat pocket, which held everything he ever treasured -- his gun, his cigarettes, and his oil lighter. However, nothing was there. Shock came again, but was overtaken with anger.  
  
"I don't have my gun _or_ my cigarettes!" Spike exclaimed, growling externally and looked at the doors again. He instantly got an idea. He took a few steps back, ran forward, jumped into the air and kicked the doors. However, the force of his kick did not open the doors as he fell down the ground with a large thud.  
  
"Smooth move," the black - haired man muttered sarcastically, itching for a cigarette right about now.  
  
"Why don't you _shut up!_" Spike shouted, standing up again and punching the door viciously. "Open you damn thing!"  
  
"You know, those things aren't going to open," someone said, breaking Spike's fixation into breaking the doors down to he could sneak into Heaven. The three of them looked towards the right and found the source of the voice.  
  
He was fat like a sumo wrestler, had a deeply hairy beard and mustache, and his white robes were stained with grease, oils, and food products. He had no shoes on, thus he was barefoot, and had a halo over his head but no wings. He had in his greasy, overweight hands a clipboard and a white feather pen.   
  
The three looked at him in different manners, one glaring, one puzzled about who he was, and one ready to ask a bunch of questions of necessary. He coughed. "See, you can't get into Heaven... yet," he explained slowly with confidence in his voice.  
  
The black - haired man growled and stomped right over to the fat man. Picking him up by the collar of his robes, he shouted in his face, "And why NOT?!"  
  
"Hey! Put me down, Wolfwood! This instant!" the man shouted, trying his best to wiggle out of his captor's grip but to no avail. His face grew red. "Don't you know Jesus went you see him!"  
  
It was a simeltanious response from the three men. "You're... who?"  
  
He moved his hands to the black - haired man's own and got himself out of the grip he was in. He grew a smug look on his face and introduced himself. "My name is Jesus, but I prefer to call myself the Spanish version, pronounced Hey-Zeus."  
  
The green - haired man let go of a curt laugh, a look of sheer laughter on his face. "You must be joking. Jesus wouldn't look--"  
  
Jesus cut him off. "I would like my name to be pronounced Hey-ZEUS. Hey-_ZEUS._ Got it?"  
  
"It doesn't matter to me how you want your name pronounced, as long as I get into Heaven," the brown - haired boy said, his arms crossed and standing patiently for an answer as to why the doors were shut on them.  
  
"You're not the only here, kid!" the black - haired man known as Nicholas D. Wolfwood shouted back, absolutely frustrated at this point of time. He wanted to go to Heaven, relax, wait for Vash and the others to meet him up there, and would have no more worries. He should have know something like this was going to happen, but he thought Heaven was Heaven. Now he knew never to assume on everything he heard...  
  
Something hit his head. He glared at Jesus. "How the hell do you know my name?!" Wolfwood exclaimed, wanting to strangle Jesus right about now.  
  
He smiled happily. "I'm Jesus. I know everything." Before Wolfwood could say another word, Jesus cut him off. "Now, before you and Heero over there start off bickering like an old couple, I would like to tell why you all are not in Heaven," Jesus said calmly, yet he too was starting to lose his patience.   
  
"Go on, Jesus," Spike man said, pronouncing his name in the Spanish language, "gives us your untimely wisdom." He put his hands in his pockets and leaned against the doors that he tried to slam through. Today was just _not_ his day.  
  
Jesus flipped through the papers attached to his clipboard, as if he had forgotten the reason why. It didn't take him too long to find the papers he needed. He then took out the sheets of paper from his clipboard and handed some to Wolfwood, some to Spike, and some to Heero.   
  
Before any of them could say a word, Jesus beat them to the punch. "Since you haven't been good Christians and have too much blood on your hands, you have to do a deed of service to Heaven."  
  
The three of them blinked once, very slowly. Spike was the first to speak up. "And that's why we aren't in Heaven?"  
  
"I'm not religious, I'm faithful," Wolfwood stated, growling and then sighing deeply in frustration.  
  
"I believe in myself, not God," the young boy, now known as Heero, stated coldly, glaring daggers and other weapons of destruction at the Lamb of God.  
  
Jesus grinned and sweatdropped. "Well, not just that, but because..." He trailed off, shakily laughing.  
  
"_**Spit. It. Out.**_" The way Heero Yuy, the Perfect Soldier, said those words nearly made Jesus crap in his pants. Jesus gulped and looked at the three. He bowed his head and made a fast, silent prayer.  
  
"Well, God's on vacation since it's Lent and a bunch of demons are running around on Earth ready to raise Hell and if I don't catch them before God comes back, I'm in trouble!" Jesus slurred all together in one gigantic sentence, sweating bullets and shaking all over. He knew what he would get for a punishment if God came back from vacation and he didn't want to get repremanded again.   
  
"So, why us?" Spike asked, raising an eyebrow in question.  
  
"Well," Jesus began, "since you three need to get into Heaven, and I need to get these demons, I thought we could make a deal out of that." He grinned sheepishly, thinking that would fly over with the three men he was about to hire to do his dirty work.  
  
"And why won't you do it?" Wolfwood asked this time around, a glare and a question riding within his own ice blue eyes.   
  
"Erm, Days of Our Lives is gonna start and I don't wanna miss it! Gotta love soap operas!" Jesus exclaimed, shakily laughing at the end, hoping that excuse was good enough.   
  
The brown - haired boy, along with the other two, looked at Jesus funny. "Um... isn't sloth a sin?"  
  
"Hey, I'm Jesus," Jesus said, puffing his fat chest out in pride. "I'm the ultimate Sacrament. I'm excluded from them!"  
  
The green - haired man sweatdropped and frowned in a peeved way. "_Great_," he said sarcastically. He sighed and looked at the papers in his hands. "So, what are these for?" he asked.  
  
"Why, those are the papers for your new life down on Earth!" Jesus exclaimed happily, if not a little too cheerful for his own good.   
  
"So what are we doing then?" Heero asked, wondering why Jesus was a little too happy now.  
  
"Now, you three get going and catch those demons for me -- I mean, Heaven," Jesus said in a quick manner, stepping about five steps away from where the three were standing and avoiding Heero's question.  
  
"Hey! Wait just a min--" Spike shouted, until he lost his sentence and notice they were standing on the ground anymore. It was a black void underneath him, Wolfwood, and Heero now. He snapped his head up and glared at Jesus, who's right foot was pushing a red button that came out of nowhere.  
  
Jesus laughed. "Bye bye now!" he exclaimed.  
  
"You bastard!" Spike shouted, only to lose his voice as he and the others were pulled down into the void below.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
Next thing Spike knew he was sitting right in front of a door to a very large church. He grabbed his head, a migrane prominent. The last thing he could remember was Jesus smiling and him about to go kill the bastard for some unknown reason...  
  
He glanced to his right and found two other figures next to him. However, they weren't the people he remembered. They were wearing different clothes now. The young boy named Heero was wearing form - fitting black spandex flare pants and a sleeveless shirt. His hair was... longer now and wavier, reaching a little over his shoulder - blades.  
  
Not far from Heero was Wolfwood, who was wearing his suit still, except it looked more... he couldn't place a finger on it. Wolfwood's hair had grown a bit, and was cut more... more... Spike still couldn't place a finger on it. He shook his head, trying to take out the cobwebs around his psyche. He couldn't think straight for some reason or another. He tried standing up, but his legs were wobbly. It was as if he was standing on high - heels...  
  
_High - heels?_ he thought, his eyes open in shock. He looked at what he was wearing, which turned out to be an outfit that nearly scared him right back into Death's welcoming arms. He then ran a hand through is hair and noticed out of the corner of his eyes that it grew longer and got more wavier and curlier.  
  
_This can't be happening_, he thought in absolute disbelief. Heero and Wolfwood stirred next to him as the two began to sit up. However, before he could get a good look at them, the door to the gigantic church opened. What stood before them nearly sent Spike right into complete denial.  
  
A nun stood in front of the three, a warm smile on her old, worn face. "Welcome, dears. You must be the three new postulates we heard from Sister Teresa today."  
  
"Postulates?" Wolfwood asked quietly, until he covered his mouth sharply. His voice had... _raised_.   
  
Spike lost it. He was in sweet and utter denial now. "No, oh no, no, no..." He too put a hand over his mouth. His voice had raised as well.  
  
"Are you okay, sweethearts?" the nun asked softly, a worried expression on her face.  
  
Heero stood up and rushed through the door, Wolfwood and Spike following right behind him. If their fears were correct, then they had become...  
  
The three stood in front of a mirror, looking at themselves as plain as day. All three of them had gained more feminine features, not just facially, but physically as well...  
  
The nun that they had met a while back were right behind them now, with a new nun that was more younger and livelier. She looked to be of Latina decent with her tan skin and green eyes. She coughed and the three men who couldn't believe what Jesus did to them turned around and faced her.  
  
"Ladies," she greeted with a slight bow of her head, "I am Sister Teresa of Avila. Welcome to the Church of the Notre Dame Sisters."  
  
It didn't take long for the three men - turned - women to react to this statement.  
  
Spike's mouth dropped, Heero glared daggers, and Wolfwood shouted on top of his lungs, "Damn you, Jesus!"  
  
The nun whispered to Saint Teresa, "These are strange ones indeed, Sister."  
  
"Yes," Saint Teresa of Avila agreed as Spike dropped to the floor on his knees still in shock, Heero still glaring, and Wolfwood screaming that he will kill Jesus one way or another.  
  
Saint Teresa sighed. Her job was going to be harder than she thought. "Quite strange, indeed."   
  
  
  



End file.
